Everybody lied about what it takes to be a wife, and that’s if you had anyone help you prepare for marriage at all.
Most of us were never taught how to prepare for marriage or how-to be a wife, instead, we’re left to learn lessons the hard way once the honeymoon phase is over. We’re often bombarded by statistics, yet real resources aren’t as readily available… until now!
As you know, I was engaged, pregnant, married, and became a mom in less than a year. And even though I had prayed for it all, I still didn’t feel ‘prepared.’ So I am super intentional about sharing my lessons learned to help other women prepare for marriage as much as possible.
Part of my mission has been to create conversations that are meaningful specifically for millennial marriage management. In hosting my podcasts, Girl Stop Playin and Wife’d Up, Now What? I’ve had the pleasure of learning tons of practical lessons on what it takes to truly create a healthy, happy marriage.
One conversation we’re not having enough of is the importance of healing before entering any relationship, let alone a marriage. More than likely, you’re holding on to baggage from a past relationship, an unhealed heartbreak, childhood trauma, or a mix of all of the above. If you haven’t invested the time and energy into therapy of some sort, marriage will absolutely bring up all of your weaknesses. Marriage is a mirror. This is the only time someone will spend as much time with you, recognizing things about you that you may not be ready to face… bringing up parts of your past you wanted to run from. The goal is to work through as much as you can before you commit to someone else so that these issues don’t trigger something in you that attracts the wrong person to you. We don’t always get it right, though. So a lot of people don’t do the self-work while single.
The good news is, that it’s never too late to start healing. It’s never too late to seek help.
Whether it’s traditional talk therapy or other spiritual-based modalities, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to recognize and release any past traumas that could be impacting your marriage.
In a recent episode of Girl Stop Playin, you get to meet my adopted Aunty, LaTonia Taylor, and tap into her decades worth of wife and womanly wisdom. It’s such a healing, helpful conversation (especially if you’re working to heal a mother wound like me!)
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We all know submission is one of the biggest curse words on social media (at least in the black community!) but that seems to be among the single crowd. The married women I encounter always reference their willingness and ability to let their husbands lead. The conclusion I’ve come to is that it’s unimaginable for single women to submit to a man based on their experiences dealing with ‘boys.’ If you pick a partner who loves you properly, you won’t have any doubt in his leadership.
Let’s assume you do choose your partner wisely, but that still doesn’t mean it’ll be easy to submit to his leadership (and sometimes authority) over you and your family. In this episode of Girl Stop Playin, I love the way Kenyon and Toccara share their truth in having to work through and talk through challenges in their marriage.
The truth is, nobody has it all figured out. Every marriage has two imperfect people committed to creating what works for them. Regardless though, it takes work. Maintaining the course in your marriage requires open, honest, vulnerable conversation and a commitment to your covenant.
If you haven’t already, now is the perfect time to think through your beliefs on the head-of-household concept. This way, as you are preparing for marriage; you are better able to communicate your thoughts and feelings with your partner.
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On my podcast, Wife’d Up, Now What? we have a segment called Wifey Keeps it Spicy because my first 3 years of marriage have certainly taught me the importance of sex and intimacy. There’s mixed messages on social media about ‘how much is enough’ but regardless of which theory you subscribe to, we can all agree that sex is important to most relationships. I actually had a conversation with a Sex Doctor, Dr. Tiffanie who revealed the massive number of sexless marriages there are.
So I thought it would be important to bring this point into the conversation: keeping it spicy can mean different things in different marriages. Your level of spice may be way too hot for someone else’s husband — and that’s ok.
Success in marriage is about coming up with your own sauce, figuring out your own recipe, deciding what works for you, what you can keep up with, and what you can commit to. It’s a common complaint from married men that their wives become boring in the bedroom after they get married, and if so many men are complaining about it and it’s such a common problem, it’s probably in our best interest to be proactive. Life be lifin’, especially once you become parents – but you have to do your best to keep your partner your priority, and that includes sex and intimacy. As you prepare for marriage, prepare to proactive with intimacy!
This episode is full of tips, tricks, and practical tools to help you maintain and sustain a healthy sex life in your marriage.
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Whew! The impact that becoming parents has on your marital partnership is unmatched! As you are exploring this idea of how to prepare for marriage, you must consider whether or not you want to be a mother. NOT whether or not you want to have a baby, but whether you want to commit your life to raising a child.
The baby part lasts about a year, but the commitment to motherhood lasts a lifetime. The transition required of both you and your husband can be hell if you’re not prepared for it and committed to one another as partners. We often hear about postpartum in terms of mental health, but not quite as often in terms of marital health. Your brain chemistry literally changes when you become a mother so you are in fact a new person. A new person trying to navigate a new body, a new life, a new set of responsibilities, a new schedule all while simultaneously attempting to maintain your marriage, let alone your sanity.
IT IS TRAUMATIC. And that’s with a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby.
Now throw in fertility challenges or a couple of miscarriages like Mattie + Chris experienced (listen below) and if you are not careful, it can certainly ruin your chemistry. So in preparing for marriage, be proactive in having the conversation about becoming parents. As you prepare for marriage, make sore you’re preparing for motherhood.
Don’t be afraid to say FTK often so that you can dedicate time with your husband, this way you can keep the main thing (your marriage) the main thing! Listen to this episode to learn from Mattie about how motherhood almost ruined her marriage.
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At the end of the day, your marriage is what you make it.
If you and your partner are committed to your covenant, then you can absolutely enjoy marital bliss for a lifetime of love. I’ve spoken to countless wives who remain committed to and madly in love with their men, and they always reference certain agreements they’ve made within their marriage. Some show their love by nurturing their family through food. Others made note of their commitment to getting nasty every night (Like Ardre in the episode below)
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What I’ve taken away from these countless conversations is their desire to be committed. They take pride in being present in their marriages. They take ownership of the outcome of their marriages by setting the tone and being intentional. They focus on prioritizing their partners while going after their goals, instead of seeking to live a ‘balanced life.’
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